From 2016… Now 2017!

It has been a while since my last blog post. I’ve avoided myself to be honest. Before Christmas my anxiety took over, it beat me and took weeks to begin to feel like me again! I’ve since started a new job, I absolutely love it. It has made so much difference in how I feel. Whilst you’re caring for someone else it takes your mind away from other thoughts. Hopefully this will be the start of something amazing!

Short and sweet blog but I’m shattered so going for a quick nap. Thanks for reading.

 

 

What do you say?

What do you say when someone asks what your coping strategies are?

What do you say when someone asks what medication you are on? 

What do you say when someone tries to tell you that it’s all in your head? 

I never usually know what to say. Yesterday was a bad day for me. My poor dog was rushed to the vets and of course with everything that happened, I forgot those important white pills. Those little white pills that make so much difference. Today I feel dreadful. My head feels like it has been run over by a truck. My day has been walking the dog and now I’m back under the sheets ready to close my eyes. 

“It’s all in your head!”

Those words hurt. If this was in my head would I be feeling the way I am now. Some people do not understand. Not because they don’t want to but because they’re ignorant of those around them. I can’t wait for this day to be finished. Anxious days are not fun for anyone! 

😢

My Best Friend, My Sister

The day I were told I were going to be a big sister was something I dreaded. I didn’t want it to be a girl otherwise I’d have to share my bedroom. My brother wished it would be a girl so he didn’t have share his bedroom. I was happy with just my brother! We didn’t need any other sibling. Selfish I know.

On September 15, 1999 we received a phone call to say we had a little sister. ‘Oh no‘ I thought! My brother happy – me not so much. However that soon changed. Our dad picked us up and took us to the hospital to meet her and see our mum. We walked in and saw her cuddled in our mums arms. She was beautiful, tiny and I instantly fell in love. I smiled and said I was going to be the best big sister.

When they arrived home my big sister duties begun. Before school I would ask my mum if I could bottle feed her. We had cuddles before I went to school. I couldn’t wait to get home, I missed her so much. She was lovely and was my precious little sister. Over the first few months I loved pushing her pushchair, cuddles and rocking her to sleep. The bond was forever. I couldn’t love her anymore.

Over the years our bond got stronger and memories were made. As she sat in her rocker we thought we would dress her up and put her under the Christmas tree. Camping holidays, swimming days, bike rides, barbie dolls, trampolines, holidays abroad, dog walks, Tracy Beaker etc. Memories to last forever. Times were hard when we grew up but I loved her no less. At times we argued and would fight over things that seem silly now. We would go hours without speaking each other but laughed when we made up.

Our family has been through many things that have made us stronger. Throughout my sister has been my rock, my best friend. Endless nights we spent crying and comforting each other. She wiped the tears off my cheeks and was my ear to talk to. Anytime of the day I needed her she was there for me. I moved out nearly eighteen months ago and don’t get to see her as often as I wish. Life seems to have drifted us apart but we know we always have each other.  Even now, I know she is there when I need her. I am so grateful to have someone as wonderful as my sister in my life.

I love you CMM – forever and always.

“The greatest gift our parents ever gave us was each other” 

👭🌍❤

“Generalised Anxiety Disorder”

Generalised Anxiety Disorder can affect a person mentally and physically. The symptoms can be mild or severe. They fluctuate and change. Everyone has feelings of anxiety at some point in their life. They can strike anyone at any point. During life events these feelings can be perfectly normal. However, some people find it hard to control their worries. Their feelings of anxiety are more constant and can often affect their daily lives. I am one of those ‘some people’. Everyday is an anxious day. Everyday can be a constant worry.

When the councillor said those words ‘Generalised Anxiety Disorder’ I didn’t know what to say. I already had the box of tissues at the side of me. I reached out my hand and kept taking more. What did this mean? I suppose I felt relieved to finally have an answer. I felt happy that I could begin getting help. That wonderful man sitting opposite recognised my symptoms and was going to help me on my journey to recover. Prior to this I’d spent possibly 6-7 years confused as to why I felt like the way I did and frustrated that no body else around me could understand.

I was prescribed Fluxeotine medication first. The GP confirmed it would be at least eight weeks before I began to notice the difference. Waiting at the chemist to collect them made my body feel weak. When she handed me the bag with them in I thought this was it, I would be back to myself. Taking them home I think I expected them to instantly work. I popped one into my hand and placed it onto my tongue. As I swallowed with a glass of water I wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel me before this happened. I suppose I wanted to rewind the six years previous and carry on with how I was back then. But I didn’t! I felt worse. I felt much worse. Worse than I did before the medication. How was that possible? The sleepless nights were back. The pacing around the house. The headaches that felt like they were going to explode my head. The yawning and aching. Things began to feel horrendous over the weeks to come. I battled through, I had time off work to try relax myself and cope with the changes my body was experiencing. The days didn’t get easier and nothing improved. A trip back to the doctors nine months later resulted in my tablets being changed. I was prescribed another tablet that would help. Sertraline 100mg. The eight week of symptoms were likely to occur again. Of course, they did.

I’ve been on these tablets for around two years now. I’ve achieved things I wouldn’t have done before. I actually graduated from university with a 2:1. The struggle was successful. I did it! ğŸŽ“ğŸ˜€

‘Dreams do come true if you believe in yourself!’

Another Monday…

Today has been one of those days where people say things to you and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’d like to say it is the Monday feeling but it seems to be happening more regular. Recently, I listen and take on board more of what people are saying. I think the worst of everything! I dwell on what is being said to me. This alone create more and more worry.

Back to Monday, I wouldn’t say I’ve had a bad day but I’m glad to be getting ready for an early night. I spend most of my free time sleeping. To be honest I spend the majority of my time sleeping. I try to convince myself that my body must need it. Again comments are often made about how frequently I sleep but I can’t seem to help it. I’m unsure if it’s the medication or the anxiety feelings. Everyday is exhausting – sleeps makes it all better. Sleep makes me forget what I’m worrying about.

My anxieties stem from a young age. After a life changing incident it felt like a brick wall had been built around me. I couldn’t escape and I was unable to see anything above it. I spent nearly three years with the biggest mistake of my life. I do say I never regret anything but this I do. He was supposed to be my boyfriend and the love of my life. I held on because I was too afraid of letting go. I can’t embrace change – change scares me. The years went by and the more I felt drained. I’d given up with myself and didn’t know what to do. The panic attacks began. They began so forcefully. I couldn’t control my heart beat and the tears would stream down my face. For days I lay wishing for the ground to open up and eat me. This went on for months. I knew no one would love me. No one would accept me for who I am. Why would they? My life is drama!

I was wrong.. So very wrong. In September 2014, I met the most amazing person in the world. The feelings of worry were upon me. This person despite everything still wanted to be with me. Yes, me! No body else.. me! Me, me, me, me! I couldn’t believe it. Surely its a dream I thought. Each day my thoughts would cause havoc but he didn’t leave. He stayed by my side. He has remained ever since. The difficult days were battled together. The happy days we shared together. We have created memories that will last a life time. Today we sit in our own house. The house that we’ve brought and made into our loving home. A huge step achieved! Without this man’s love and support I wouldn’t be where I am now. He makes me smile everyday even when my world feels like it’s crashing down. It just shows that someone is out there for everyone. That someone will love you no matter what! Never give up believing that they are out there somewhere.

Anyway, I must get myself ready for this early night. Medication is being taken and a snuggle in bed. Goodnight everyone. God bless!

Anxiety – My Story

From a young age I’ve always felt different. Little things were difficult for me – sleepovers, trips out, walking to the shops etc. I would avoid social contact, make excuses to stay at home and I began to feel abnormal. A lot of events happened in my life that boiled me to the top. These things hindered my ability to enjoy my teenage years. Even now, I feel controlled by how my mind often works.

In 2014 I became my own worst enemy. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I’d given up with myself, I’d given up to the point where I scared myself and begged the doctors to help me. They told me I was depressed but how could I be? I kept telling myself that I felt down but I wasn’t depressed. I kept telling myself I didn’t have anything to be depressed about. Well I know that I didn’t because I had a wonderful family and a roof over my head. Surely it was more than that, surely these thoughts and feelings had a name or was I just abnormal?

I battled through. I tried to carry on every day as best as I could. I went to see someone through my GP but I didn’t want to open up and speak to her. I wasn’t ready to share how I felt. A year after, I began seeing a counselor after having difficulty adjusting to work. I began to open up and explain these feelings I was experiencing. He said the words “Anxiety Disorder” but I didn’t know what that meant. I hear all the time that people feel anxious but I didn’t know what being anxious felt like. He sat and spoke to me. He sent me home to read these articles that I had been emailed. I began to realise that others feel the same as me. I wasn’t on my own, I didn’t feel so different anymore. Those feelings I feel are what other suffers feel.

My doctor prescribed medication to help. I wish I hadn’t have accepted these as I feel dependent on them now. I try to stop taking them but I feel dreadful. The shakes come back, the headaches and all I want to do is hide under the duvet. Each day is different. Each day I can feel something different. I wish I could be a person without this illness controlling my life!